viernes, 26 de diciembre de 2008

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Avui torno a pensar, en allò que m’ha entregat. Ha plogut tant...des de l’últim cafè. Ja no se que és. El color blanc, em transporta a moments passats, instants de glòria intima, on cadascú se sap la seva, més o menys, en gradient de la intensitat d’estimar. Encara que sigui Nadal, encara que durant tot el dia, no gosi reposar els dits sobre el teclat, no hi ha moment que em vingui al cap un flash, com una llum que s’encén i s’apaga, evocant-me la seva imatge, infringint la impossibilitat de traspassar-me, de que el nostre sospir, pugui, encara més, enamorar-me. Somio amb coses inabastables, que potser és el que en aquests moments em fa sentir desvetllada d’una transició sense paraules, sense trucades, sense res... A voltes, penso en despertar amb ell, encara que només sigui una vegada. Imaginant com aquella llum, de la meva finestra, torna a desplegar aquests ulls, però ara, amb la seva espessor al meu costat, acalorant la meva espina dorsal. És bonic imaginar, somiar el que no tindràs mai, perquè és la forma de substituir, d’acabar d’omplir quelcom que et falta, encara que això no sigui la realitat ni et faci sentir completament feliç, però segur que és un factor, per poguer mantenir-la, però en l’anonimat. El trobo a faltar tant...però hi han moments, que ho deixaria tot, perquè estic cansada de voltar sense rumb, sense sentit ni direcció. El meu amor, és tant efímer per ell, que suposo que ni tan sols, pot arribar-li al cor, ni a donar-li temps a recordar-me quan no estic amb ell. Però és això, la suficiència de l’amor pur, el que m’abandona quan puc saber, que lo que vol és el que ell em dona, experimentant que quan marxa, no tornaré a sentir la seva veu, ni les seves carícies, ni el seu sospir a cau d’orella, ni els seus llavis besant-me en la nit, ni les seves mans extasiant el meu cos enamorat. És tot això lo que em fa quedar-me on estic, ni més amunt ni més avall, sempre en mig, d’aquesta vehemència subtil, que ens abriga a deshora però que viu en mi, sempre, de dia i de matinada, de dilluns a divendres i el cap de setmana, els tres-cents seixanta cinc dies de l’any...així estic d’enamorada. Quan marxa, no vull mirar-lo als ulls, perquè això em delata i no puc permetre que pensi, que ansio que es quedi, que em torni a abraçar, que em regali la seva mirada, que m’acariciï amb les seves mans, fortes i sensuals. De cop i volta, torno a somiar....

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"Quan marxa, no vull mirar-lo als ulls, perquè això em delata i no puc permetre que pensi, que ansio que es quedi, que em torni a abraçar, que em regali la seva mirada, que m’acariciï amb les seves mans, fortes i sensuals"...

Així és, de vegades, sense proposan-s'ho ens convertim en mendicans...espigolant en la comissura d'uns llavis, un somriure que ens digui, que en arribar les dotze, continuem sent algú...

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